Contentment

I am now THERE! If you know much about me and what I wanted to be/do when I grew up it's quite a laugh that I have so many kids! I was not that girl who grew up dreaming of becoming a mother. I was career minded with those goals in mind! I had my life all planned out. Go to college, graduate, work, and IF I got married I would be AT LEAST 25. Well, I met Cory when I was 21 and we got married when I was 22. Even though I got married looong before I had planned to I had a new plan for my life. Finish school and get a great job. Even though I knew I was going to be married I still didn't have that desire for children. I told Cory there would be NO MORE than 4 though! We planned on being married for 2 years before even thinking or trying for kids. Welp, that didn't go as planned either.

I have struggled with my place in my own life for four years now. I have these beautiful blessings surrounding me all day long! I have never wished them away or that they weren't mine. But I have wished it could have waited until I was ready, until I had accomplished all the things I wanted to do in my life before the kids came along. I have often wondered that age old question of, "why me?" I had plans of travelling, of seeing the world, of working my dream job! None of which I have accomplished.

I have dreamed of the college days. If you knew me then you would probably remember me as quite the social butterfly. I was always surrounded by friends and friends of friends! I thrived on planning activities for us all to do. I loved going to college basketball, football, and hockey games. I enjoyed the Howl and Mardi Gras on campus. I loved to be with "my guys" and play a fun game of poker. I had plenty of nights with my "biker boys" and the relaxing rides on their motorcycles or bullet bikes. I had too many late nights with "my girls" talking, laughing, crying and dancing! Over the past four years I have actually longed for some of those activities, some of those friends. I imagined Cory and I married but still enjoying the college atmosphere.

Those days are gone. Not just the actual, literal college days, but the days of dreaming about it and missing it. I don't know how it happened or when it happened, but it happened and I couldn't be MORE grateful! Our lil-big family went to Logan a couple weekends ago. Usually when we go there those feelings of longing were at their strongest. But this time there were none. No dreaming, no wishing, no wondering, no questioning of my life. We were driving around and I realized I wasn't having those feelings. In their place was pure happiness. Pure contentment.

I will never be that perfect housewife. I will never thrive on keeping a perfectly clean home, I will still finish school and find my perfect career, and guaranteed, Cory and I will always split the household chores. He will always come home from work to a less than perfect house, less than perfect kids, and a less than perfect me. But we will all take enjoyment out of the less than perfect us. No, our home is not always spic and span. Yes there are days our kids wear just their diapers/underwear around the house. But you know what, we are who we are and we are happy about that! The kids will look back on their childhood with memories of our lazy days, our Mommy-made treasure hunts, the snow fort they built with Daddy, the countless crafts they did with Mommy, the snow cave made with love from Daddy, the parks, the picnics in the living room, the dance parties, the games, the tea parties, the races, the walks, the snowmen, the dressing up, the slumber parties and the snuggle parties, the laughter, the love and spirit that fills our home. I have been going through the motions for some time now, but now I get to feel it, I get to have my heart into it, I get to know that same excitement that the kids do, I get to actually LIVE it!